Win Your Custody Battle with These 4 Tips

You’re here to learn about winning a custody battle. There are 4 things that you must do. But they’re not what you would expect. Stick with me. I’ll make a strong case for you.

Understanding the Child’s World:

As a professional lawyer, part of my career has been committed to handling child custody cases for the court.

I practiced law for about 13 years before transitioning into the field of positive psychology, where I now focus on applying legal reasoning and analytical skills to help people create meaningful, lasting change in their lives.

Through my work as a professional evaluator for the court, I came to understand that two distinct worlds often shape a child’s experience. This insight has deeply influenced how I view family dynamics and the challenges children face during separation or conflict.

Before parents separate, the child’s world is just one big whole. Like if they were just one circle here. When mom and dad separate for whatever reason, that world splits, and now we have mom’s world and dad’s world.

And they are very different, aren’t they? Of course they are.

Where do the kids belong? Right in the middle.

Now, actually, the kids’ world is larger than either mom’s world or dad’s world because the kids’ world includes mom’s world. And the kids’ world includes dad’s world.

Keep this image in mind for a moment because the research shows very, very clearly that the number 1 factor that creates negative outcomes for children in divorce is conflict. Specifically conflict between the parents about the kids.

Remember, the kids are right there in the middle. So, if we’ve got 2 separate factions that are fighting each other, shooting shots at each other, it’s not safe to be right there in the middle.

You have to understand where the kids are coming from because that’s what’s most important to the judge or to the evaluator.

As a professional evaluator, I had to try to figure out what’s going to be best for the kids. Now, I want to find a good resolution for the parents, too, because if life is better for both parents, then it’s going to be better for the kids.

But the focus is on those children.

The Real Source of Conflict:

So, I’m looking primarily for what is the source of conflict. And both sides are really good, and blaming each other for that conflict.

If you come into this custody evaluation with a mindset of adversarial mindset, “I’ve got to win this fight”, we’ve already got a problem.

So, we have to take that word weaning out for just a minute unless we apply it specifically to the children. That’s who we want to win.

I hope as I share these 4 main points with you, part of you is going to go, “Well, duh! I already knew that.” And part of you will think. “Wait, this isn’t what my attorney is telling me.”

I am an attorney. Please do look at this blog as legal advice. It is.

I’m giving you relationship advice because I know that a custody battle can hurt children. And I don’t want this to happen to your kids.

So, there are 4 things that we need to do in order to win, meaning, win for the children.

1. Be Authentic:

Number 1, be authentic. Be real.

As a lawyer, I participated in numerous evaluations and gained firsthand insight into how these processes unfold, expecting (and I was never disappointed) that people are going to put on their best face.

And when I visited the home, there was simmering on the stove. And bread baking in the oven. It was the picture of perfection. It was the Pinterest moment. And I knew that it was fake.

And I’m not saying that you’re fake. But if you show up that way, it raises flags. For the evaluator, for the judge.

I went into the homes where I thought, “This can’t be real. This is not sustainable.” There was a state of… Sometimes a call is in unnatural tension. It felt like everything was going to fall back to where it was. As soon as I left the home.

I want you to be authentic. I want you to be yourself. Because you are a benevolent, generous, loving parent. Be that person.

You don’t have to show up as this bitter, angry person who’s fighting with the child’s other parent.

From an evaluator’s perspective, that outcome is far from ideal. I don’t want anybody endangering this child or this child’s world, which includes the other parent.

I know that’s not the typical advice that you would get from an attorney in an adversarial situation. I’m giving you relationship advice.

Be authentic. Be real.

2. Be Nice:

I know this is going to fly in the face of some conventional wisdom, too, because you’re embroiled in this battle, this fight, right? Remember who’s in the middle. You’ve got to be nice.

And the other party may or may not be. In fact, there’s a high likelihood that there’s going to be some meanness going on. That there’s going to be some bitterness and anger happening.

Just make sure that’s not coming from you. You be nice. When I said, Be authentic earlier, you got to tell the truth, right?

You also want to show up as the kind, benevolent, individual, and human being that you actually are.

From an evaluator’s perspective, the primary objective is to gain an accurate understanding of each individual’s authentic character and behavior within the context of the case. The evaluation process relies on observing genuine interactions and responses rather than rehearsed or strategic presentations. That’s why being authentic is so important.

Well, are you a nice person too? You know what?

When you squeeze a tomato, what do you get? Tomato juice, right? Wait, you don’t get orange juice from a tomato? What about when you squeeze an orange? What do you get? Tomato…. No. Orange juice.

Oh, what a surprise! You squeeze something, you see what’s inside of it.

Custody evaluations often place individuals under significant emotional pressure. When that pressure reveals anger, bitterness, or hostility, it raises important questions for the evaluator about what might be driving those underlying emotions and how they could affect the family dynamic. And what happens when things get hard with the kids when you get that squeeze? You’ve got to be nice.

3. Focus on the Kids:

And that’s a little counterintuitive as well. But it’s so important to show who you really are. Number 3, I already gave you a heads-up.

Be focused on the kids or the child. If it’s multiple for you. Be focused on the kids. This is who it’s all about in the first place. The judge knows that. The evaluator knows that. Your knowing that helps you to show up in a way that shows that you truly have this child’s interest at heart. And it’s about them.

So, when you’re talking even to your attorney or to your friends, don’t get into this bitter, angry battle kind of language. Make sure that it stays focused on the child. What you’re children need, what they’re desires are. And we’re not going to put the burden on them.

I never asked kids, “Which parent do you want to live with?” That’s such an unfair question. And it’s kind of like asking, “Which arm do you want me to cut off?” They don’t want to make that choice. That’s way too much pressure for a kid.

We’d still need to be sensitive, however, to the other factors in their world, and your issues are not their issues. Get that through your head. Your issues are not their issues. They’ve got a whole different take on this thing.

And the overwhelming majority of children that I evaluated love both of their parents. And they don’t always feel full permission to love their parents because of the bitter, angry battle. You stay focused on the children.

4. Be a Good Parent:

And it kind of makes me chuckle a little bit. I have to say this. Be a good parent. This is like a job application. When families would come to me in a custody dispute, and I’m evaluating them, I want to know, “Are you a good parent? Do you have the children’s best interest at heart? Are you authentic and genuine, and truthful? Are you nice and civil? Can you interact with people? Can you facilitate this child’s relationship with the other parent?”

These are all the things I am looking for, and that’s why I wanted you to know these 4 steps. On the last one, be a good parent. We all struggle. And this is a stressful time.

So, you’re going to be under increased pressure. And that doesn’t always help performance. If you need some help with that, there are resources. Reach out to those resources.

You’ve got to be a good parent because that is the job that you’re applying for in the first place.

Conclusion:

Some of those tips might have surprised you. But they are so powerful. Winning a custody battle isn’t about outsmarting or defeating the other parent, it’s about putting your children first in every decision you make. When you stay authentic, be kind, focus on the kids, and show up as a good parent, you naturally demonstrate what the court values most, stability, empathy, and genuine care for your child’s well-being. These simple but powerful principles can make all the difference, not just in your case, but in helping your kids feel safe and loved through it all.

FAQs:

1. What’s the most important thing judges look for in custody cases?

They focus on what’s best for the child, especially minimizing conflict between parents.

2. How can I make a good impression during a custody evaluation?

Be authentic, stay calm, and show genuine care for your child’s needs.

3. Should I try to prove the other parent wrong?

No, focus on being the best version of yourself instead of attacking the other parent.

4. Why does being nice matter in a custody battle?

Kindness shows emotional maturity and stability, which evaluators and judges value highly.

5. How can I keep my children out of the conflict?

Avoid negative talk about the other parent and center conversations around your kids’ well-being.

6. What does it really mean to “win” a custody battle?

It means creating a safe, loving environment where your children can thrive with both parents involved.